I hardly remember my first line of coke

It was to try, to laugh with girlfriends, in a party. I was 23 years old. It did not mark me too much, and that's what is harmful with this drug. Cocaine ... The word is scary, we make a whole world, and the first time we try, almost disappointed, we say: "What, that's the famous hard drug? It's less effective than a firecracker! "Besides, I did not really resume after this evening, or so very sporadically. I did not like it so much.

I was having a lot of fun and, except for heroin, I was up for trying most of the drugs on the go - LSD, hallucinogenic mushrooms, MDMA, ayahuasca ... That's how I tried one night coke. And, I do not know why, this time I liked it. It was five years ago, and there I really fell in it.

I quickly took it back as soon as I had the opportunity, then I bought it myself, and the coke became synonymous with celebration. I went out, I "typed" as they say. I loved this shot of speed, this impression of being alert, and then the magical erasure of fatigue. I loved these moments, at the cocktail hour, when we leave the bottle of rosé, facing the sunset ... and hop, we take a "trait".

You feel that little metallic taste going down in your mouth, and suddenly this crazy energy, this concentration, this feeling of power comes out at the same time ... An illusion, of course. Which I can not do without today.

(1) Multiplied by five in twenty years, according to the latest health barometer of the French Observatory of Drugs and Drug Addiction, in partnership with the National Institute of Prevention and Health Education.

It's easy to get coke

Once we have the right contacts, no need to venture into a creepy city or risk a control in the street: the dealers, who have all the styles, deliver at home, like a pizza! I have several good numbers in my mobile. We order several, usually 1 g for two people for the evening, and we receive our small package within three hours maximum. At home or at work, discreetly of course.

My twin sister often accompanied me on my trips - she also works in the pub, but as artistic director. To prevent him from taking a liking, I hid my addiction from him. Obviously, she wanted to try the experiment, and she became addicted in her turn. That hurt me. We are very close. I was born a few seconds before her, and maybe because she was shorter in height, or shy, I always wanted to protect her. I feel responsible and guilty of his own addiction.

But I continued. Why ? How did I get there? I come from a bourgeois background, and our parents, doctors, were not stingy with speeches of prevention. We were told well that drugs and alcohol were dangerous. I sometimes wonder if my excesses are not a stupid rebellion reaction dating back to adolescence. Already, at the time, I smoked like a fireman. At 14, I went out every Saturday to take a canned, after making the wall. In many fashionable establishments, a well undermined minor enters easily ... Everything that was forbidden excited me. Maybe these early and systematic drinking has given me an addict profile? Even without drinking I would have become addicted to coke anyway, question of time and environment?

I did not really touch drugs until I was in my thirties. Perhaps also because at the time the coke circulated less easily. I studied in business school without ever being offered. And even in my first advertising agency, I have not seen anything that sticks to the cliché of the creative who fuel the coke.

But now, my sister "taps" more than me, almost every day, even in the morning, with coffee, before going to work. It scares me. So first of all for her that today I want to stop, to incite her to imitate me. Of course, there are other reasons: friends who worry about me, who put me seriously on guard. And then my nose is starting to hurt me. There are also all these foggy mornings where I get sick: when I go to sleep, exhausted, doughy, at a time when people are taking their kids to school, while I picoled and coke all the night. Not to mention the price (2), which strike my budget.

(2) about 80euros / g

The coke trap: we do not feel in danger

But all that does not weigh heavily when I have the opportunity to sniff, surrounded by people who consume too. If I am tempted, in my weaning periods, I am convinced that everyone takes it and that it does not matter. That's the coke trap: we do not feel in danger. People who, to my knowledge, stopped, decided because they were very scared - a tachycardia crisis, for example. Or someone close to them has had a heart attack or even committed suicide. During the "descent", when the coke is no longer effective, we can have suicidal ideas ...

And I'm scared for my dear sister, her health, her career, her life as a woman. But I can not beg her to stop if I can not do it myself. Question of credibility and support. So, for six months, I change slowly. I slowed down my consumption of cigarettes, I started to run while I had never done any sport of my life, I do not expose myself anymore no matter how in the sun ... In short, I stop doing everything to have cancer!

Hey, did I mention that my parents are oncologists? A friend tells me that maybe it's from there, too, that everything is coming. I've heard so many cancer stories that since I was a teenager, I'm sure I'll die of crab at age 50. So why should I take care of myself? To grill in the sun, to smoke, to booze, to drug me, to roll very fast on my motorcycle ... it is to make fingers of honor to the death.

Except that I'm now 36 years old. I mature and realize that even if life is a lottery, it's not very clever to do anything.

Alcohol calls the coke

Regularly, I erase from my phone the numbers of dealers, I balance my last gram in the toilet. I even filmed myself throwing it, to watch the video on my phone in case of temptation. But here ... Whenever I'm resolute, solid, just a few glasses to forget everything and start over. What you really need is stopping alcohol - before cocaine, or at the same time - because it's the devil.

I drink for the pleasure of drunkenness, and alcohol calls it coke. But I change, I feel it, slowly but surely. I can not go from Amy Winehouse to Mother Teresa overnight, but I evolve. It is in this spirit that I agreed to tell my story, hoping that seeing it printed will give me the effect of an electroshock and push me to stop for good. I would also like her to read it to my sister so that she can stop with me. I would like to see if we are able.

Interview by Caroline Rochet